


Men...Don't I Know

by connerluthorkent



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Banter, Bickering, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Post 5x11, Post-Episode: s05e11 They Did What?, Pre-Episode: s05e12 The Beginning..., Pre-Femslash, Pre-Slash, Season/Series 05, Silly, Unresolved Tension, as in the tone here is very light and silly, crackish, everyone in this has big useless disaster bi/gay energy, mlm/wlw solidarity, mutual pining for everybody, pre 5x12, very briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 14:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20098594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connerluthorkent/pseuds/connerluthorkent
Summary: Ed bemoans his romantic woes to Barbara and Lee at the Sirens Club. But he’s not the only one pining…





	Men...Don't I Know

**Author's Note:**

> Just a silly little fic that has been sitting in my drafts for a while, so I'm finally polishing it up and posting it. Title from Oswald and Barbara's first on-screen exchange...because reasons. 
> 
> Unbeta'ed, as per usual, so any and all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not consent to my work being hosted on any unofficial apps.

Ed’s slumped across the bar from Barbara, sipping morosely at a Grasshopper. 

It’s early afternoon. The club won’t open for a few hours, but Barbara has elected to make an exception for...whatever the hell Ed is to her. 

“You love Ozzie,” Barbara says matter-of-factly, cutting straight to the chase of his afternoon bender.

Ed splutters in protest, but Barbara merely raises an eyebrow.

“Well...yes,” he admits, deflating, “but...how did you know that?”

“Honey,” Barbara says, putting a consoling hand over his, “everyone in Gotham knows that.”

Ed can feel heat flooding his face in embarrassment. 

“Except maybe Ozzie,” Barbara concedes. “In his defense, you did try to kill him. Twice.”

As Ed opens his mouth to defend himself, the tell-tale click of heels on the floor rings out behind him. Barbara glances over his shoulder and her whole face lights up. 

“But, people in Gotham also have a funny way of getting over that kind of thing,” she says as Lee slides up to the bar next to Ed, carefully placing Barbara Lee’s baby carrier onto the counter. 

Barbara gives her a warm smile.

“Hi, Lee,” she says, ducking her head as she scoops Barbara Lee up into her arms. 

Her voice is soft, almost...shy. Ed squints speculatively.

“Hi, Barbara.” 

The smile Lee gives Barbara is equally as warm. 

“Ed.”

The look she gives him less so as she eyes his Grasshopper. 

“What’re we talking about?” 

“Ed’s hopeless love for Penguin,” Barbara says nonchalantly, bouncing Barbara Lee on her hip. 

“Barbara!” Ed hisses at the same time Lee says, “Yeah. And?” 

Ed snaps his attention to Lee, looking vaguely betrayed. 

“What?” Lee asks.

Her lips are curled slightly at the edges, eyes sparkling in amusement. 

“When I said ‘everyone in Gotham,’ I meant it,” Barbara says, not even having the courteous to sound remorseful.

Ed whines, dropping his head onto the bar top. 

“When did I get so utterly transparent,” Ed mutters, mostly to himself. 

Lee politely refrains from pointing out Ed has always been like this and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Love is a funny thing,” she tells him soothingly, but she’s staring straight at Barbara.

Barbara has to look away from the softness in Lee’s eyes. 

“Sweetie,” Barbara says, consoling Ed as a distraction for them both, “the only person around here more transparently smitten than you...is Pengy.” 

Ed squints up at her, trying to gage the honesty of her statement, before turning to Lee for assurance. 

“I mean, yeah,” Lee shrugs, “the man did all but jump on a grenade for you. Doesn’t really get more sweepingly romantic than that.” 

“But he said I was like his _brother_,” Ed whines, voice muffled as he buries his face once more against the bar top.

Barbara snorts.

“Well, yeah, it’s not like it exactly went well the last time he confessed his undying love for you.” 

“No thanks to you!” Ed accuses, petulant.

Barbara lays her gun on the bar top in front of him. 

“Do you want to keep drinking, or do I need to shoot you out of here?”

Ed pouts but takes another sip of his Grasshopper, presumably his answer. 

“So,” he says, setting the drink back on the bar and darting an imploring glance from one woman to the other, “what do I do?”

As Barbara opens her mouth to reply, a voice rings out from the door.

“Edward!” 

Speak of the devil. 

“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Oswald calls out, his cane tapping rhythmically against the floor as he approaches the bar. “I have been looking all over this city for you.” 

Ed spins around on his stool, gesturing broadly at Oswald as he crosses the room. 

“Oswald!” he says, falling into the Riddler’s overly chipper showman voice.

Barbara and Lee share an amused look. 

Oswald’s brow furrows in confusion before he turns to Barbara and Lee.

“Is he alright?” he asks.

“As much as he ever is,” Barbara shrugs. 

“And just what are you three plotting?” 

“Oh, you know. Just having a little heart-to-heart,” Lee says easily. 

Oswald glances between Ed and Lee, sitting practically shoulder-to-shoulder, and his lips thin into a tight smile. 

“Oh. I see,” he replies, voice too light. 

Barbara rolls her eyes. _Men_. Honestly, Ozzie ought to know better.

“I thought you were out on a supply run,” Oswald’s eyes cut to Lee sharply, “but I can see you’re taking a much needed break. I’ll just...leave you to it, then.”

As Oswald turns to go, shoulders slumping almost imperceptibly, Ed’s hand shoots out to grab his arm.

“Wait!”

Oswald freezes, glancing down at Ed’s gloved hand locked around his wrist before looking up at Ed with wide eyes. 

“Stay. Please,” Ed says, eyes imploring. 

Oswald practically melts at the look. 

“Alright,” he concedes, slipping onto the bar stool next to Ed. 

Barbara catches Lee’s eye again, and the women share a look of disbelief. The most powerful man in Gotham, and Ed’s got him wrapped around his little finger. 

Barbara pours Oswald a Scotch without prompting, amused at the way the two men instinctively angle their bodies toward one another. A barricade of two, cutting off the rest of the world. 

“I’m sorry,” Ed says, sincere, “I didn’t mean to cause you any alarm.”

“No, no, that’s—that’s fine,” Oswald replies, looking embarrassed as he rubs his forehead, “you are of course welcome to spend your free time however you’d like. It’s just, when I didn’t hear from you...I was just worried, that’s all.”

Ed hums, pressing an all too pleased smile into his drink. 

Barbara narrows her eyes at him. Clever little snake. 

“You know,” she says, leaning across the bar, too casual. “Eddie was just talking about you.”

Ed chokes on his drink. 

“He was?” Oswald asks hesitantly.

“Oh, yeah. He was telling us _all_ about how much he’s been enjoying your renewed...partnership.” 

“Really?”

Oswald turns to Ed in surprise, his turn to look overly pleased.

“Mmm hmm,” Lee agrees, taking a sip of her own martini. “He’s really grateful for everything you’ve done for him. Isn’t that right, Ed?”

Ed’s ears have gone a rather alarming shade of red

“Well, yes. Of course. You know that,” Ed splutters, waving his hand dismissively.

He takes in the flash of surprise in Oswald’s eyes before the other man’s features are schooled into an impassive look. 

“Wait. You do know that. Don’t you?”

“Well, you hadn’t said so in so many words, but,” Oswald shrugs, muttering into his Scotch, “I suppose I had _hoped_.” 

“Oswald,” Ed takes his hand, somehow both overly earnest and exasperated, “you know I’ve tried to tell you countless times how much it means to me, and how sorry I am, and if you’d just _listen_ to me for once in your life—”

Oswald holds up a hand, clearing his throat as he glances over at Lee and Barbara. 

“Perhaps we should retire somewhere more...private to finish this conversation,” he suggests. 

“Oh, yeah, I bet you two could use some _privacy_,” Barbara all but purrs, giving them a Cheshire grin. 

Oswald’s cheeks tinge at the insinuation, but Ed doesn’t even spare Barbara a glance, eyes locked on Oswald’s. 

“As long as you promise we actually _are_ going to talk about it,” he says, voice firm as he steadily holds Oswald’s gaze, shockingly direct. 

A ripple of tension rolls through Oswald’s shoulders, betraying his nerves.

“Of course,” he concedes after a beat, inclining his head in agreement. 

Ed gives a sharp nod in return, slipping off the bar and taking his bowler hat in hand. 

Ed hesitates for a moment, giving Oswald a head start so he can fall into step beside him. Barbara takes the opportunity to grab Ed by the tie, yanking him back to whisper in his ear.

“If all else fails, just lay one on him. What have you got to lose?” 

She raises her eyebrows at him. Ed bites his lip, glancing at Oswald. 

“I’ll...take it under advisement,” he promises.

He practically trips over his own feet to catch up to Oswald. Oswald throws a glance back over his shoulder, narrowing his eyes at Barbara, who gives him a mockingly friendly wave in return. 

Oswald starts when Ed offers him his arm, but takes it without hesitation, the pleased, private smile he gives Ed making him look softer than Barbara has ever seen him. 

“Men,” Lee sighs, watching them leave, “completely hopeless.”

“Utterly,” Barbara agrees. 

As Barbara reaches to refill Lee’s martini glass, her fingers accidentally brush over Lee’s. Both women startle at the touch, Barbara withdrawing her hand quickly. Lee abruptly stands.

“Well, I’d better be going,” she says, voice too bright, “I’ll see you soon, Barbara!”

Then she turns and all but flees for the door. 

“Yeah, soon!” Barbara calls after her, trying not to sound too breathless. 

Barbara looks down to Barbara Lee, still swaddled in her arms, blinking up at her curiously.

“Okay,” Barbara admits, pressing a kiss to her daughter’s head, “maybe it’s not _just_ the men.”


End file.
